It’s been a while.

Not since I’ve written but since I could reintroduce this version of me. A lot has happened, I solo traveled- hiked the most beautiful mountains, took many dips in freezing lakes, saw the ocean in different shades of blue, shared dinner with strangers in new cities, spent the holidays with family, drank too much with my aunts and uncles, drove around the middle of the countryside with my cousins, talked about new passions with new friends, but most importantly I was being.

I didn’t fall away from depression, regret of opening myself up, or even forgetfulness that I created this blog. No-no, believe me I’ve written a lot of each day that has passed. But I wasn’t ready, I felt like what I wanted to convey was written by 10 versions of me, each day a new one added a sentence. You could say i was “confused with myself”. I came across an old line I wrote when I was in therapy a while ago.

Rebirth, is a death in itself.

Rebirth, is a death in itself. The grief is not sadness yet a calmness. The grief is saying goodbye to your old self, not that really much needs to change about you- I am not an inherently different person now. But there are tweaks, yes some could new habits and ridding of old ones. Old ways of talking, seeing, and processing things. Thoughts that previously stayed stored in my mind, but now they exist on the tip of my toes and hold my balance. In other words, a big spring cleaning and renovation to the foundation of who I am and want to become?

This time away I have been grieving, but more so processing. No movement, sudden reaction, almost a deep reset. That was me for the past months, and I feel like I finally woke up from it just a couple days ago. I sat, hibernating not hindering myself from growing. Yet, mustering the strength to accept it. It’s not that I never left my room or didn’t talk at the dinner table- but I felt like some days were passing motionless- just thinking.

I still have the same password, just a new email. I still have the same smile but there is more self control in how I express it. People can say or do mean things, but I won’t let them walk all over me this time. Dancing at clubs is still fun, but I enjoy only my own company now. On the surface you wouldn’t really tell, but underneath the meaning of “why I will” or “how I react” or “what I choose”, is running on a new schedule. A schedule completely dependent only on me.

I am still me.

But I am more calm, I don’t react on the basis of someone else’s thunder and lighting… unless they strike me in a disrespectful way. I don’t care what happens in the chain reaction I used fixate on. I read energy and effort instead of accepting and giving all of me to please. I walk with an eerie confidence in who I am only wanting to share it when I want to- not because I feel like I need to prove it. I now lack optimism, which I find is actually safer for my heart and mind (yes this should be talked with to a professional- working the kinks out on this one). Internally I doubt myself at times as we all do, but now I don’t dare share or show it.

Some may read this and say she’s walking with walls and fear. You are damn right I have walls now. I am protected, no one can tear me down now, but me. No one has a chance to access my mind, energy, or heart without my approval. Eyes mean nothing to me. Words play a part but only matter when we ourselves put meaning behind them. Actions, earning trust, and being vulnerable. Things I perceive in new light.

So, I walked away from publishing my thoughts not because I regretted the initial intent of this blog. I lacked composure. I admit that. Now I feel more confident in the mind that thinks the thoughts I write down. I write because it fulfills me, in a way like many other things do. I write because I feel human, when words come together to deliver humanness. I write because it’s my war zone and happiest place on earth. I write not to inspire, but to connect to other humans. 

I write because I feel human, when words come together to deliver humanness. I write because it’s my war zone and happiest place on earth.

So make this be not a reintroduction, but let this be a hello once again. The articles that follow this, may have been written 50 days ago or 10, and I’ll do my best to clarify. Now with the information behind my hibernation you may be able to scope out 5 of my old personalities that fought for every word. But those words are just as important as the words I share moving forward.

Our initial wine night was a great time. It’s been a while old friends, let reconnect. Consider this the refill, some pauses are apart of the pour…

The pour continues,

Bx