A lot of my writing comes from thoughts, glances of perspectives, admiring beautiful interactions, and connecting the dots from conversations. A couple of days ago I thought of this concept, more so the meaning or reality behind it. When someone says they are “at peace” with something or someone. This is the excerpt of the original thought I had…

“When someone says they are at peace…

I question why they have decided to put something to rest.

Is it that their minds have decided there is too much care and therefore anxiety involved to process what could soon be sublime normalcy?

If I were to say today: “I am at peace, with it.”

I would question, and ask but why? 

Isn’t it okay to not be at peace?

Is it okay to not have to put something to rest?

Why not push the limits of our anxieties and care for something we truly valued, even if it breaks us more than the action or thing we are putting to rest itself?

Why do we do that?

Is it because we don’t want to strain ourselves? 

Is it because it’s the easy way out, to leave things where they are once we decided to dispose of the difficulties? 

Is it because working through what would actually give us peace, means we have to put in work which we don’t know will be returned or refunded? 

I understand the human answer itself. 

At peace, at rest.

But rationally, why have we decided to put it to rest? 

What’s the human answer to why?” 

---

Why do we expect healing to be gentle when it’s actually chaos learning to calm itself. It is the regulation of our bodies trying to understand why what our mind and soul accepted to be normal, has now become a stranger to daily routine and emotion. And without all the long explanations: it is okay, to not be okay. 

I am so lucky to have girlfriends who are living in different seasons of life.  With that comes so many experiences some I have yet to experience and others I share understanding in. A lot of them, and I am sure you have experienced grief in some way. 

Everything can cause grief, the definition may be printed in black and white- but it seeps gray ink all over what life has in store for us and others.

Grief and its stages has some correlation with finding peace. The experience and the feelings that come with it, you choose to accept them as they are- or push them away and cover them up. Everyone deals with grief and finding their way out of its jungle. I saw recently an actress was talking about her grief journey and I really liked her analogy, more so what I took from it- is that it exists beside you. I like that it acknowledges that it’s okay to admit its existence and effect on you. 

I like to word my grief as the abyss of processing emotion. Much longer but it gives me comfort for some odd reason. 

I see it like an ocean- side note…

(I am curious if the reason I chose an ocean is because I feel very connected to it in my life, it gives me such a comfort. It gives me a sense of comfort, so did my brain trick me into thinking that by using the ocean, grief or feelings seem more approachable or less scary?)

Anyways. 

I see it as an ocean on the left of me and I am driving down this never ending road but it’s there. The colors of the water represent different experiences that caused grief. Maybe there is more seaweed along the shore where some causes me more anxiety or more clouds over the water and sun in other parts. As I drive along the road, “life”, I accept that the color of the water may be very dark and blue for a while. Eventually there’s specs of aqua, crystal, and clear blue. But the ocean is always there on my left, not my dominate side. I say that because it does not define me and does not lead my conscious. On my right side (dominant side), the other side of the street. Filled with shops, patios, friends, experiences, and I make stops along the way. 

---

That’s my “abyss of processing emotion”. I like to think of it that way because it comforts me to an extent where I can approach it in a healthy way. Even if you are not currently dealing with grief or maybe you don’t feel you have dealt with it intensely, I think it’s okay to come up with ways that your mind is helping you exercise what your heart feels. 

And so, we make the full circle moment, why do we need to say we are at peace? Done with what has pushed us uncomfortably? 

Could we live peacefully beside it instead? What do you think?

Until the next pour,

B x