As I write and record my first words on this adventure of questionable literature, I can’t seem to find a designated start. I feel all my questions, thoughts, and reasons to write are waiting. They are at many different stops along the way. This blog is the carrier of conversation. More than anything, I hope you can find yourself or relate. I begin and find you as you are.

I am currently in the VERY remote South America. I ran away from the United States and it was “the best” (a) decision I made. This decision came during a significant turning point in my life. I quit my (now looking back at it) very stable job. I also sold all of my belongings. The catalyst of it all was getting broken up with. I have four suitcases to my name, a recovering heart, inconsistent ideas of what I want to do next, and a one way ticket to Europe waiting for me in the new year. What could go wrong?

Where do I begin?

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I am being still. Allowing myself to breathe in new air, air that makes my senses not think of what I have left behind in my last breath.

Being still. We never do that. I sit by the ocean in the morning with my mate. Honestly, to begin, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I sat there looking as the colors changed. The morning sun began to hit my face and my mind wouldn’t sit still. Did I close the door? Did I turn off the gas in the kitchen? What time is it, I don’t want to be late. Finally I couldn’t take it and I instead walked along the beach, because at least I was being “productive”. That was my starting point.

Well, I can report that it took a mindset shift, a lot of mate, and being honest with myself. I found that for me, I struggled to admit that I was not at all okay. I am not saying everyone is on the verge of a breakdown. Still, I think we all carry stress in some areas of our life. Especially when we wake up, we just don’t have the time. We can’t approach, process, and come to terms with the parts of us that are “not okay” in the present. For a lot of us, we wake up to go to work, get a workout in, have a moment to catch up while drinking a coffee, and so on. But we actually never sit still. We never fuel ourselves mentally to feel full inside… if that makes sense?

As I say all of this, I must include a reality check! Life is life and we almost never have a moment to break. As a sometimes anxious person, who is trying to learn the art of “Zen”- I am not coming from a stance of this transformed my life. If anything, how I have learned how to apply this being still. If you have a moment in the morning when you are doing your skin care, sit down on the cold floor and close your eyes and breathe. If you are about to walk into the gym, sit in your car when the engine and music is off and breathe. When you are at work and feel like your head is exploding, lock yourself in a room and breathe.

Being still is not about having the time always to meditate. It is about being insightful with our bodies and knowing when we need a moment of stillness. We use intuition to regulate our minds. This ensures that the breath we take is the deepest one of the day. Our sigh is heavy with all that carries out what does not serve our hearts.

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When I sit now in front of the sea in the morning, I see my anxieties and worries along the waterline. The sun hits my face. The warmth reminds me that my heart, as battered as it was left, still believes in love.

I came to the middle of no-where to force myself to feel every emotion. I wanted to have every breakdown. I wanted to yell into the abyss of the sea. When I began to feel, I did everything in my power not to. Realizing my combativeness turned into reflection.

Until the next pour…

B x