Is it worth the risk?

^{I struggle feeling fulfilled with my first entry here in Lovers’ Corner. This is where I have 4 million thoughts running through my head, so excuse if I come across messy. For me, these words I share are the written thoughts in my most vulnerable state. This collection means a lot to me. The perspectives and insights of learning about love from others have really affected me. Many thoughts have manifested into conversations with my girlfriends. So, I can only hope that my writing will capture it all.}

^{We all have a lot to say on said topic…}

Never once, For Love Existed

^{The twinkle in my eyes blink once, yes.}

^{My admiration for romance hums the notes of love songs, yes.}

_{My mind skips logic, yes.}

_{Goosebumps at the thought, yes.}

_{My heart follows, blindly excited for what’s to come.}

_It

_never

_once

_thought,

_{Is it work the risk?}

_{I walked the plank holding your hand, for the feeling}

_{I was in awe of you from afar, can this be love?}

_{“Yes”, said my heart, blindfolded.}

_{“It’s existed for millions of years.”}

_-B _x

My insecurities asked if it was worth the risk. My dreams and aspirations asked if it was worth the risk. My bathroom sink and closet space asked if it was worth the risk. My daily routine asked if it was worth the risk.

But not my heart. My heart never questioned it.

Love to me is such a beautiful culmination of things. It is not just a feeling or a representation of humanity. It is a noun we use. But most importantly, love is a choice we make. I love, love- and you will see that in my writing.

As just another girlfriend among all of us here, I need to let it out. So, there will be themes of heartbreak, as by now you have read its something that has happened to me. I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t write about it. I am excited to capture the evolution of my words and thoughts. But that won’t be the only thing- if anything it will be a small part.

My intention is to write all the goodness that comes with and from it. This includes the confusing circumstances and dreamy movie moments. It also involves redirection and much more. But for just this moment, some of these pages might be stained with ink dosed in heartbreak.

Is it worth the risk? Do you think about it? I wonder when I ask this, what would a world look like if we ran the analytics every time? I mean now we have AI, I wonder if eventually we will hold AI’s opinion on our choice to be more important than our own. I still remember when my girlfriends and I were in primary school, we would write the “good and bad things” list. I giggle now thinking of it, we were so innocent. You know the list of all the good things: good hair, decent laugh, okay at sports, not a teachers pet… The bad: his friends are mean, picks his nose, and tucks his shirt in.

But don’t we do the same thing, too good to be true and the questionable attributes (good and bad) list, talking to our girlfriends now? With just a bit more experience and way less innocence.

Too good to be true:

Great hair, really like the flow it looks kind of indie.
Adorable laugh and even when he giggles it makes me laugh and i think that is a good sign
Super athletic= very sexy.
Not a know it all, likes when I talk about myself (this means we can rule out narcissist).

Questionable:

Friends are f-boys, players, or seem devious and not in support of their friend getting serious with someone
What our generation now calls… the ICK. (I can’t think of one, (and these are all examples) so, think of the one you hate most as a fun interactive exercise;))
First Impression… style could be better, definitely not working with a build-a-man boy, so this could be a fun creative project we can do together.

There is plenty more examples, I am sure some of you have encountered some interesting people… but you get it.

Here is where I can get messy… my next question that sparks from this is. Isn’t our analysis normal, isn’t that reality? We all do it, to some extent. Our analysis of the person in question, is it just the good and bad list?

Do we run those results through our own algorithm? An algorithm of what the bare minimum means to us. Consider what our friends would say about it. See if they show up in your daydreams. Think about if you feel the feeling everyone says you will feel.

Or before all of that, do we have a split second where internal dialogue is not even had. But a subconscious blip, where our body defines what worth the risk means to us? What is the response, is it a stabbing chest pain or a warm feeling that melts across us?

My answer to the question… Is it worth the risk? Always, yes.

I sit on the other side of the fence now, looking back to the double sided mirror that plays it back. With fresh eyes and a raw heart I watch our film, the one I thought would never end. I cry, a lot. But not tears of hate. I still laugh at your jokes and at the funny moments we shared. But not because I forget where I am standing, but because I love(d) your humor. I look at the way you would look at me, it feels like a stab. Because my last impression of your eyes meeting mine were not so kind.

Yet, I sit watching the movie that was being built to last. I have to question it all. I look to the double sided mirror to see my reflection. My heart, as confused as it is, says yes… not blinded anymore. My heart says yes, because even after all of it, you still believe they ~~were~~ are worth the risk.

No matter where you are in life, love is love. It doesn’t matter who you love. It doesn’t matter when you decide to dedicate your heart to them. And I for one, love it. Love hard. Always.

Love without the risk, is to waste a beating heart and a capable mind. Understanding love, well that is a risk I am willing to take.

Until the next pour,

B x

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