Getting this out of my system, once and for all.

Let me catch you up, 2 months ago I was broken up with. I attempted to write this post, the excerpts are from what was originally 4 pages worth fueled by emotions that no longer leads me…

_{I get it. How many times, how many ways, and how many looks can you continue to show that you do not seem to understand, that i get it. You delivered the clearest form of rejection, without a return address. You said you want to be friends, and when I am friendly- oh but wait, I am too friendly. My friendliness has now been perceived as a chase to get you back. I explain it’s not, but why do I have to be the desperate one? When converse the leftover emotions out loud, you don’t have the nerve to say the word itself. The word that you used so easily for over 2 years. Instead, “the things you felt were real and true”. Well i don’t understand. I just don’t understand.}

You delivered the clearest form of rejection, without a return address.

As I read now my determined writing then with an emotion fueled by a feeling of betrayal, of anger for not trying, of fear for the person I trusted most has left me. I realize that the angst of it came from a version of myself who didn’t expect to ever put her defense up to the person she loved most. And for that, I champion that heartbroken girl, she had every right to not know what was going on. 

As the days went on, my emotions grew a wider range. I told myself to feel everything as it was, in front of me and not to put it aside for later to process. But I also didn’t know how to. I tried not to feel bad for myself, but my crying at night was like an electric storm. 

Mornings became easy, as I was a desert of tears by then. 

Afternoons became lonely, especially on the weekends. 

Evenings became a ritual of sitting and watching the sky close another day in hopes I could close my eyes and this would all be over by sunrise. 

And day by day, I lived a routine of instability, emotional recess, and silence. I often wondered if it would be better to check myself into a monastery, at least the monks would smile at me.

---

_{Sincerest apologies that I let myself feel comfortable in your presence. That after you came home from work, I wanted to give you a cuddle and kiss. My cooking was not to impress you as a housewife but one of my strongest acts of love. Holding your hand, not to mark my territory but because our hands fit just right. You wrote once all these things and more, praising my love. Now, I am saying sorry for it.}

I remember feeling like I had to prove something for myself, while in front of him, that it was okay to have feelings. His coldness at times, made me feel like I had done something wrong. As if the chaos of “why” was my fault. 

I remember I felt bad- for what- my love- our love we shared…? How could that be.

How could it be that the list of things I thought he loved about me, the things that made us different from one another, the things we created and were evolving… all became bad? All became sour to the senses? That’s what I couldn’t understand, the switch. What was the switch, why wasn’t I told about this switch? 

I felt it unfair, I didn’t get to have a say in what was my love, too. Life is unfair they say, well this was disrespectful. 

So yes, “I am sorry that I cared so much”. At the end of the day, you are right. It’s not only love that holds us humans together in partnership. 

---

But what we had, what we were creating was much greater than love…

_{Our hands held one another. 
Our pulses became one. 
As our left foot stepped front, 
and our right followed. 
Not every step was easy, 
but we walked
along the sidewalk,}

<sub>side by side…  

to see the world. 
We knew that upon our return  
From our varied adventures 
The place we made a home, 
Wasn’t really were we rested.</sub>

_{It was right next to each other,}

_{side by side…}

_{where our memories lived playfully. 
All we had to do 
was look into each others eyes 
Unlocking the connection.} 

_{When our hands met,} 

<sub>our pulses- equal and steady.

Holding on, 

To us. 

Step by step.</sub>

_{Side by side. 
Day by day}

-daily steps

_{B x}

---

As scatter brain as this was, it was healing for me. I hope this finds you in the midst, after, or healed from a similar or maybe not at all related situation. 

Honor your emotions, don’t push them aside- feel them. You deserve them, the good and the bad. You are human. To feel love, well aren’t we so lucky to feel.

Until the next pour,

B x