To completely expose myself, kindly, I was a “timeline” girl since I was 12. Not timelines of the seconds and hours, oh no- but of years, I called mine the 5 year plan. And everyday I daydreamed about my plan and changed it. The thing for me is hard to explain, so sorry if this really doesn’t make sense. I wouldn’t change directions or goals when I was set on something. Instead, I would imagine scenarios of myself living within successfully executing parts of the 5 year plan. Within these scenarios I dreamed, I see and live through every detail.

For example, when I was 14, the 5 year plan led me to become a Labor and Delivery nurse. That realm was a deep passion of mine. So, my daydreams would be moments of me working on the floor of the hospital. I imagined being really good at my job, absolutely loving it. Envisioning what my days off would be like, thinking about how I would travel with my friends. I looked forward to enjoying a balanced life. I saw it so clearly and really believed it fit my future. Every day, my mind told me that was going to be the plan. 

When I was 17 I got my license as an assistant nurse, and worked at the hospital. I loved every second of it, the night shifts, the things I knew I was good at, and the joy of caring for others. I entered university the next year with the intention of being a nurse. That plan that I found fitting 3 years ago- all of a sudden was becoming reality. And it wasn’t so fitting, because I evolved. For transparency purposes, I was horrible at the sciences. I realized that my passion had no motivation to passing the pharmacology exams. And so it was time for a rewrite of the 5 year plan. 

And it wasn’t so fitting, because I evolved.

I ended up going the business route, still capable of working in the realm of health and taking care of others. I carried my love for women’s health, mothers and babies and decided to focus on specializing in it. I admire nurses greatly. Even though I didn’t end up in the nursing field, I found I could advocate for them.

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Now, five year plans for me didn’t only just include my career path. They also considered where I would live or end up. I thought about the hobbies I could develop, the places I could visit, and my personal wants in life. 

Now this is my warning label for the article. More so, it is about carrying this mindset in my writing. Everyone has wants and desires in their life. Some we share, and other wants we never thought of. Even though we may share desires in life, we may want them at different times. These wants can also change with experience and time. At the end of the day, when we share with our girlfriends these wants and desires it’s the best feeling. The applause, “me too’s!”, and wine glasses being put down so they can add on to the dream.

I want this to be a place where we can confess the things we feel can be perceived in bad light. Here, as women, we can come together and cheer each other. We can understand and see that all of us, as different and similar as we are, have dreams, wants and desires. This make us who we are.

Personally, I value transparency most- for myself and reciprocated. This blog is becoming a culmination of my deepest thoughts and my love of writing. It embodies the art of sisterhood and my connection with you. I feel very comfortable sharing my own dreams and desires, I laugh as I write this sentence knowing that in future entries my capture of what I want now may change. 

Here are some of my personal dreams and desires. 

I’ve dreamed of being a mom, having a little one running around  that is half of me and half of my love. Being a parent and feeling the maternal love that will come with it. 

I’ve dreamed of going on girls trips and having girls night with my friends until our feet swell from age and our laughs sounds like it may be our last breath.

I’ve dreamed of growing old with someone, cultivating our own family, and experiencing life- living with a youthful mentality.

I’ve dreamed of being a successful career woman, no matter what the career. Feeling strong and confident in running something that is completely my own.

I’ve dreamed of traveling to places I don’t even know yet, experiencing new cultures, sharing stories with strangers and friends.

And those are only some:)

No matter what it is that suits your narrative, take a moment to really reflect on your core dreams and desires, without the deadlines. Write them down, talk about them, feel connected to them. And as you evolve, smile, knowing not all that will be is what it may seem.

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The thing is, 3 years ago my plan was different to what it was at the start of this year. About 4 months ago I left the concept of the “5 year plan”… I am so happy I did it. 

My confession: ever since I’ve thrown out the planning and re-adjusted, I’ve struggled.  As I am trying to be more self aware of my instant dreams, lengthy goals, wants and desires not having an expiration date, and most of living everyday knowing that tomorrow all that I had thought of and for myself will evolve. 

The good thing is, struggling is necessary to evolve. That means it’s working, I am rewiring my brain in what I have felt is good for me. Believe me some days the planning of it all seems like a dream itself. After reflecting why I wanted so badly to go back to the way of thinking I realized, it was all about control. 

I wanted to control something. I felt like I could control the trajectory of my life. Instead, I lacked self-control in emotional buoyancy. I couldn’t regulate my ideas and perceptions. My anxiety was easily manipulated by my overbearing waves of what if’s. But that reflection allowed me to realize how much I have changed since. 

I became more open-minded. I realized the present offers options that can lead to outcomes beyond what imaginary plans can predict. My control over my present mind, body, and soul felt reconnected. I was truly present in myself, and it wasn’t an overnight shift. As everything, it took time and still am learning from myself.

A beautiful part for me was sharing this with friends, explaining to them how I felt like I was changing. Asking for honest feedback, being truthful to them when my actions didn’t match what I wanted to do. All my girlfriends were an amazing sounding board for me in this time of change. I hope they can see changes in me as I continue to turn this page on viewing life. 

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Timelines aren’t for everyone. For some of us they are our lifeline. Perspective is everything, my mantra. The important thing is to remember you are evolving and if anyone ever ties you down to dreams you shared from a previous version of yourself, then you continue to envision the new… without them. 

Changing my mind isn’t losing direction — it’s finding myself again. Time moves forward, and so do we — softer, slower, but still becoming. 

I don’t have it all figured out, but for once, I’m not rushing to. 

Until the next pour, 

B x